Kirk Cameron was on television last night in front of a New Jersey fire truck telling me to get fired up for the lord. While there is the tragic demise of so many child stars due to drugs, alcohol and coping with early fame, this is a bit more extreme. Kirk Cameron is selling novelties to help break the ice with your “non-Christian” friends to talk about being saved. It’s always puzzled me why strangers have been so concerned with my salvation, but as Kirk put it—not advising an unsaved soul of their one way ticket to hell is like watching a group of children in an elevator shaft about to be crushed without warning them. He even mentioned how upset I may become if someone upon learning my name, did not believe it was my real name. He said if I could be angered over that, how must an all-powerful god feel and react to someone who did not believe in his existence and miracles.

So now I understand. It’s irresponsible, selfish, and immoral to keep your salvation to yourself. So I should accept concern for my soul as a gift and realize that when my “Christian friends” (which is almost as much of an oxymoron as my “republican friends” or “virgin friends”) attempt to wrangle me into the realization that I need to accept Jesus Christ into my heart, this is a sign of care and I should be honored at this expression of true Christian love.

I can’t really blame anyone. We naturally treat people the way we want to be treated when truly we should treat people the way they want to be treated. Not a hard principle, but a difficult practice----So to alleviate confusion: I will list the ways I would like to be honored:

1.) Compliment my pug. He is a fine, strapping, handsome little devil. While it is rare I will acknowledge a compliment about myself, I will believe any praise about my pug. He is the closest thing to a religious figure I have. “Have you accepted the love of Buddha Mitchell into your heart?”

2.) Buy, make, or steal me things with the image of Hello Kitty. Hello Kitty is a fine round purring deity. She is an ever-changing fashionista and has the best friends. From a princess to a rock star—that’s the finest worshipping one can imagine.

3.) Instead of quoting psalms, quote the Ramones, “On their album subterranean jungle, Joey Ramone belted the powerful words, “every time I eat vegetables, it makes me think of you.” It’s much more interesting and accessible and it will make me giggle.

4.) Make me giggle often. This is easy. Just insert the word “nugget” randomly into sentences, or talk about fluffy puppies, or make up Haikus about staplers. I need entertainment, not salvation.

5.) Bring me gifts of sushi, onion chutney, olives, garlic, hummus, spinach and red wine.

That’s about all. I DO NOT WANT YOU TO SAVE ME. Just love me and keep me happy, don’t upset my homeostasis and learn to respect that I have enough information and intelligence to choose my own path.