Multiple fetishes, pedophilia, the handicapped...and your mom!

So it has been about six months since I've responded to one of these...but it's a great excuse not to do chores!

1.) What is the oldest you would date?
My motto is, "if the coffin is a rockin', don't come-a-knockin'". Okay, not THAT old. And besides, Necrophilia is overrated. It's easy enough to get a dead fuck within the boundaries of the law. But really, regarding age, I am historically more attracted to older women. Probably a 17 year age difference has been the greatest (but I was only three, so my tastes have changed a bit since then). I do believe older women are sublime. Many people cite the maturity and experience. For me it's more that the alzheimer's keeps them from recollecting rape.

2.) What would you do if you received a long love letter?
I would probably "shit the most beautiful Siamese kitteh ever" in disbelief. Then, I'd probably run the other way. Girls who like me enough to proclaim it, usually don't have the capacity or attention span for such pursuits. Girls with the intelligence and passion to engage me are usually afflicted, aloof or adulterous. I'm certain I've manifested this. Breaking a lifelong pattern of not being good enough or worth more may be too much to handle. I recycle the same scenario. "One must imagine Sisyphus happy." Note: Quotes courtesy of Tina Wells and Camus. You figure out which is which.

3.) Ever had an eating disorder?
I never coupled myself with the alcoholic who drank at dawn, not considering I lived as a well-oiled fat wheel, without reason to speak of it. I was seduced by movies of bulimics their boney paleness the way sweaters hung loosely collar bones announced their presence. I spent hours hunched over the toilet swabbing deep with a toothbrush interrupted by gagging the pain of my insides clinging tight to this love. Red eyes and swollen throat. My body fighting as hard to keep food down as some bodies fight to expel. As a child I was quick to conjure up illness out of a scratchy throat, raised temperature the slightest pulled muscle. “Eating disorder” didn’t quite fit. The symptoms in pamphlets seemed foreign--shoveling in mounds of food when depressed or angry. A puzzle to my young self. No emotional charge ignited me. Food was a constant like air. There was no seeking. Alternate answer: Yes.

4.) What were you doing at 11pm Saturday night?
Ummm, let's go with studying biblical passages, followed by some knitting and reruns of that kooky Lawrence Welk. Yeah. That is totally it.

5.) What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?
Breast milk, probably. But it's not what you're thinking, I'm not alluding to my facebook alcohol drenched persona that "it's been that long since I've had things other than alcohol." I just happen to like erotic lactation. That's a lie too. I'm not very breast focused and I've never had breast milk. My mother thought it was "barbaric and for the animals and blacks who couldn't afford anything else" (an actual quote). Instead, I got heavy handed formula, Tab, and a little bit of orange juice, as long as I didn't drink too many of the mixers. Alternate answer: coffee

6.) Is there someone on your mind that shouldn’t be?
There are those in your life with whom time spent is like a splendid buzz, a glorious intoxication; yet still, you wake alone the morning after, piece emotions together and wonder if the elation merits the exhaustion; the high is worth the hangover.

7.) Have you ever made out in a bathroom?
If by "made out" you mean "been fisted": AFFIRMATIVE. And if I've been to your house or workplace, I've probably experienced this in your very bathroom. And even a few times, I was not alone.

8.) Best/Worst pick up line you've ever heard:
It was whispered in my ear in Food Lion when I was about 475 pounds: "How would you like me to go down on you while you eat that chicken?" Who knew adipophilia was alive and well in Northwest Greensboro? It was actually a massively terrifying moment, but has become a deliciously inappropriate party story. P.S. And no, it didn't work. Perhaps if it were sashimi.

9.) Have you ever been called a tease?
Nah. Just like golf. Follow Through and Release is important. I finish what I start, unless I pass out. Somnophiles apply here.

10.) If you found out you were pregnant who would you tell? I would be too shocked to tell anyone. Who am I kidding. I'd immediately update my status. I'm an oversharer. Pregnancy is an occupational hazard with dating irresponsible somnophiles. They bring friends over.

11.) Are you a jealous person?
I am only jealous of one thing in this world, and that is Brad Newton's boogie.

12.) Who was the last person to go to the movies with you? How was it?
It was a date. We saw Chloe. I would say that a narcissistic writer and a self indulgent director managed to fuck up several hours of well acted roles and lady sex. Oh wait, the second question was probably referring to the movie, not the date.

13.) A big poofy dress or a short party dress? Either will be fine crumpled on my floor. In fact, you wear a poofy dress, bring a friend in a party dress, and we'll compare.

14.) Do you believe in love at first sight? No. I'm too politically correct to utilize a phrase that would alienate my sight impaired lady friends. Oh, never mind, the blind bitches can't read this. But honestly, the path to love can originate from many avenues, but in the end, it's just retarded and gay. And don't chastise me for the use of those words. I'm not using "retarded" and "gay" as negative terms. I just mean love for me is a mentally challenged lesbian (which is easy to find, and the phrase itself may be redundant). Oh damn, my smart ass comments on this little survey are going to cunt-stunt me in a serious way. Oh wait, no worries, most of my tricks don't read. I guess once they get through elementary school, I'll have to be more careful though.

15.) Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
I am skillful at filling a temporary void;
could not find joy in holding it together;
yet still miss what we had when we were...

16.) Ever been swimming in a lake or river?
Have you ever slept with me? Bring a boat.

17.) What size is the last bed you kissed on?
It really was more of a crib than a bed. You know, "when the crib is a rockin', don't come a knockin." Hey, leave me alone, I didn't know she was three. Okay. I get it, pedophilia isn't funny. Loosen up, people. It was an adult crib. Three cheers for Paraphilic infantilism. Don't judge. Your mom liked it.

18.) Are you looking forward to anything?
I am working arduously to not look backwards. And yes. I am looking forward to a few things specifically:
a) my first NC beach trip including some of my favorite buddies, puppies and beer!
b) my first birthday party since I was eleven (new date is June 27th 4-8. mark calendars now. I expect all my friends to be there. I can't wait to see both of you.)
c) the unfolding of Spring; the emergence of blossoming connections.
d) KITTENS!

19.) What do you look for in a significant other?
I look for someone who treats me as significant. I recall some quote about not making someone a priority who only considers you an option. That's been a difficult lesson. I'm attracted to creative, introspective, witty people with a high tolerance for humor, pain, passion and alcohol. I like long walks on the beach, pina coladas, making love at midnight, getting caught in the rain. Oops, sorry for the tangent. This is facebook, not a dating site (I act as if I use them differently).

20.) What do you hope to accomplish in the next 24 hours? Absorbing some Vitamin D, a good buzz, illegal chicken gambling, ending racism and world peace. Some of these are stretch goals, but fuck, I've got the whole day ahead of me.

Top 10 Pop Culture Guilty Pleasures

Been tagged on this list a few times, so here goes...
Read it, Bitches. It may help you shop for my Christmas present!




10. Greek. ABC Family's depiction of Greek life. It all started when I was sick a couple of years ago and caught an all day marathon, perhaps it was the Tussionex, but I fell for the show - homosexuality, gratuitous sex, drinking: what more could a girl want? And when one character referred to sorority villainess, Franny, as a "Hot Franny Mess", I knew it was my kind of thing. I also admit to watching Degrassi (old and new) and every episode of the short lived Falcon Beach, but probably the last mostly because Lynda Boyd makes me moist.

9. Speaking of Moist - The Look Who's Talking Triolgy. While I have never been a fan of movies where babies or animals talk, something about "Look Who's Talking" makes me stop channel flipping in my tracks every time. There's lots of innuendo and silliness, and oh yeah... Kirstie Alley. I kind of have a thing for her. Hell, I can practically recite entire scenes from Loverboy. That's just fucking sad. In fact, I think my ultimate sexual fantasy would involve Kirstie Alley, Linda Fiorentino, Lauren Hutton, Beverly D'Angelo, and Natascha McElhone...and they'd all be in a smoky bar speaking to me in raspy voices . . and . . . and . . .and...okay, I'm getting off track.

8. Life Is Good. I enjoy the Life Is Good collection. I actually caught myself with a Life Is Good Hat, Fleece, Shirt, and Flip Flops on at once recently and was quite embarrassed. I like it because it is simple and fun, and the designs are cute but the cliche optimism and overstated branding makes me a little embarrassed to like it so much. I was the 13 year old who cut the alligators off the shirts I got for Christmas and the Duck Heads off my shorts. Getting giddy about some pajama pants with smiley faces is beyond my comfort level, but I do. I will say, I also enjoy the "Life Is Crap" spinoff... but they don't have cute puppydogs.

7. Limited Editon Scents and Flavors I am usually the uber-skeptic when it comes to Marketing and really a cock-blocker to anyone who tries to tell me about a product that I just "have to try". The exception to this is holiday scents and flavors. I have Harvest Spice Germ-Ex, Sweet Pumpkin Lotion, Autumn Leaves air-freshener, have consumed countless Pumpkin Spice Lattes, and am preparing for the Gingerbread/Eggnog Peppermint slam of Christmas. I love the sweet and the savory, and my olfactory system, much like the rest of me, is easily aroused.

6. Love Story by Taylor Swift. Yes, this is very specific, but worth mention because it is the one song I've downloaded in the last year that I was actually embarrassed about. I am ridiculously silly and admit I have purchased some really bad music... including The Chipmunks Dance CD as an adult - but this single made me even question myself a little. In my defense, the song found me when I wanted to believe in fairytales, inconvenient and unapologetic love that comes to fruition in the end, and the happily ever after delivered so magically well by a cheesy pop song. When I hear it, I still channel a little of the loveliness, the giddyness, and pure joy of a time when I was walking towards something I was quite sure was a mirage, but still kept trekking forward in the hopes it would manifest real. I love music for the memories.

5. Speaking of music: Whiny white folks covering Rap and R&B songs. One of my favorites is the Gourds cover of "Gin and Juice", but closely following are Ben Folds cover of "Bitches Ain't Shit", Jenny Owens Young's cover of "Hot In Herre", Nina Gordon's, "Straight Outta Compton"... I could go on and on. Oh, I love the cheese.

4. And... Dirty Songs. I love dirty songs. "Food And Pussy", "Snatch The Cat Back". "I Want A Hot Dog For My Roll". "I Want to See Your Pussy." "Flower". "The Pussy Cat Song". "Skillet Good and Greasy". "Motherfucker"...No matter the genre, if it is silly and dirty, I probably enjoy it. The raunchier the better. I have such tasteless humor. But ummm, I can't keep my iPod on shuffle at work.

3. Trashy Check Out Aisle "Health" Magazines. While you could not entertain me with tabloids at all, as I have little interest in celebrity life, I am a sucker for magazines that claim to give you health and exercises tips that are about as accurate as the mood ring I got in 7th grade.... but still, do I want to know the nutrients that will triple the density of my pubic hair? And consuming what seeds results in multiple orgasms? OMG!!! Tell me now. I've gotta know!

2. And since OMG came up - Acronyms and abbreviations. I am a sucker for them, make up my own constantly, and have been doing this for years. Wordplay is my friend. In college, we talked about being DOOC (Deviants out of Control) and I was a BAD (Big Angry Dyke)....and now there is JFK, and GITP, and UCF, SP, MMF, BFF and even the well known and popular SBJ, FML and WTF are fun. In fact, I suggested a sign at work that said, "WTF" and underneath explained, "Watch the Forklift." Hmmm, didn't go over for some reason....

1. Along the same line: Catchphrases. In the spirit of, "that's what she said"... I will frequently remark, "Now That's a Status Update", "There's no app for that" or say, "Is that a euphemism?" Maybe even respond to a comment with, "speaking of..." (An example of the last one might be if someone said, "I just have to put it in the box", I might reply, "speaking of putting it in the box..." and then let the conversation trail off. ) Hey, I never claimed to be tasteful.

Speaking of being tasteful . . .

Anyway, I guess that's it. I think it would be much easier to come up with "Pop Culture I abhor". Maybe that will be my next post. Designer dogs, car magnets, and Oprah... get ready for attack...

Holidays and the Practicality of Alcoholism

We’re getting into the time of year that drives me crazy - holiday shopping. I like to consider myself a thoughtful person who takes the time and effort to find just the right gift to match someone’s spirit and soul, but really, I know the truth lies more in the fact that I’m a bastion of anxiety with people pleasing issues who hates to disappoint; and somehow I always expect that disappoint is just what I will do. I don’t know exactly what my fear is around gift giving. From my anxiety, you’d think that someone is going to open up a present, stare back at me and say, “purple socks . . . you got me purple socks? What the fuck were you thinking, you crazy freak who doesn’t know me at all!!"

So I’ve been doing my share of holiday shopping and am trying to mentally prepare for the trip home to visit the family for Christmas. Christmas morning is the one day of the year that my parents expect me to be there. It’s our one real family holiday ritual, so comfortable and engrained in my parents, I think it would happen with no one else there at all. And with each Christmas, visitors are getting fewer. For years they grew. My sister got married and added her husband to the mix, then one by one, my two nieces arrived. We would alternate visiting their family with them trekking to South Carolina. In 2001, I brought my partner Meg home for the first time, as well as our pug, Buddha. Stevie, the chow mix, was not allowed at the time because then my sister would think it was okay to bring the Goldens...who were "just too big". I'm still not sure too big for what, or how that extra poundage would shake up the entire household, but alas...one chooses their battles; and battles, there were plenty.

Eventually my sister's family stopped coming down for Christmas, so it was my parents, Meg, myself, and an overstuffed pug. And it took a few years, but my parents finally became comfortable with sharing my relationship with Meg with the extended family. The first year began with my parents telling relatives that Meg was “Alice’s roommate whose family really celebrates Thanksgiving more than Christmas and that's why she's visiting with her this Christmas." This oh so subtle approach may have worked for awhile, but lost credibility by the 5th or 6th year. My mother describes my sexuality like something I can't help, "it's like being retarded. You were born that way", she tells me. It's also something “nice people don’t mention” like bathroom habits or the way one really feels about someone’s choice of holiday attire. (And in fact, I think the more atrocious a clothing item is, the heavier my mom’s southern drawl becomes and the more she feels the need to comment positively. For example, “Why, Mar-gah-ret, You haaave just got to let me know where you found that adorable lil’ penguin snowflake jumpsuit. Well, it’s just to die for.”)

With that said, I know my parents would look forward to Meg and I visiting each year. My father would insist we sit at the dinner table on Christmas Eve with Holiday tunes blaring while taking shots of after dinner liqueurs from the Waterford cordials. The night would end with Dad slurring carols and all of us stumbling to bed warm, tipsy (and with a slight tummyache). My mom prepared too. She hoarded catalogs for months to pick out the best presents. Usually this “picking out of the presents” took place over a glass, bottle . . . or maybe case of wine, late night, with the 24 hour customer service numbers dog-eared and ready to call. I hope the nice late night customer service reps at L.L. Bean get shift differential, because I know with my mother, they deserve every fucking penny.

And Christmas morning is a huge preparation and production. By the time we’ve arranged the furniture for the optimal present opening experience, gathered the gifts to a centrally located distribution area, calculated the approximate amount of trash bags needed for holiday debris, we’re already on our third Bloody Mary. The Bloody Marys were upgraded from mimosas because they were “more festive with the red and green”, Mom said. But let's be honest......can we say higher alcohol content?

I must admit the higher alcohol content helps…because it at times keeps one calm when noticing the little things like the fact there are a couple of presents that my mom has given me several years in row. I did try to address this once. I told mom that I liked the snake light but that she gave me one last year. Without skipping a beat, she looked me dead in the eyes and said, "well, you liked it then." And I couldn't really respond to that logic, so I just said, "thanks".

So I now have two snake lights, three pair of fingerless gloves that with the magic of velcro transform into mittens, three different styles of microwave pasta cookers “because it just takes SOOO long on the stove”, and two safes which are cleverly disguised as library books “to hide my good jewelry.” Now come on...do I seem like the type of girl who has good jewelry?

It’s okay though, the book safes are the perfect size for sex toys. Kidding.....Do I seem like the kind of girl who has sex toys? Ummm.....Don’t answer that. Over time I've just learned to be grateful for my gifts; and more grateful for eBay.

But with being newly single, this will be the first year in a decade I'm going home alone and I expect it to be difficult. My mother told me she has picked out presents for Meg, but realizes that she can't buy them for her. To this, I offer to give her Meg's address and tell her I am sure with moving into a new house, she would be very appreciative of the gifts and thoughtfulness. Despite my sarcasm, and the sadness in the reality of a broken relationship, I attempt to focus on the positive; the small victory in the idea that a woman who a decade ago worried about her granddaughter's lesbian teacher molesting her, grew open enough to love my partner enough to enjoy her, expect her, and truly miss her. So even though the sentiments were packaged and delivered as a guilt trip, the sentiments were still delivered.

Despite trying to focus on the little positives, it is still hard. My mother has made comments on how lonely it will be with "just me" visiting on Christmas. I can only echo the sentiment that yes - abso-fucking-lutely it will be lonely with just me. In fact, some days I'm lonely every time I turn around; with every breath I take; with every beat of my heart; and every other cliche song lyric that is weaseling its way into my brain as I type - but I'm slowly learning to stand up in the solitude and be thankful for the constants: good friends, a company for which I'm proud to work, and a dog that loves me to the point of neurotica. I'm trying to appreciate the wins during a year that feels pregnant with loss. So while I'm bracing myself for the potential dysfunction, I'm kind of pining in some small way for my father's slurred verse of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town", unwrapping a microwave pasta cooker, and the clink of ice in a Christmas morning Bloody Mary. No, it's not perfect, but it's what I have. It's what I know. It's the small hint of tradition, familiarity, some thread to remind me that I'm still here, still growing, and that I can survive this all on my own.

Last note, not dirty. This note, FAIL!

44 things. You know the drill.

1. What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
A protein shake (and no, that’s not a euphemism).

2. Have you ever kissed anyone named Matthew?
Yes, a close friend many times in middle school and high school, but it was platonic as platonic could be. Why we kissed in the hallways, who knows?

3. Where was your default picture taken?
DUD - Guilford County Democratic Unity Dinner - in the bathroom, alone, where I’m most comfortable at any public setting.

4. Who was the last person you rode in a car with under the age of 20?
Are you trying to accuse me of something here??? She was 19 and I swear she looked older in drag. Actually, I can’t remember, I may have been in a car with a two year old since then, and I swear he looked older in drag!!!!! (Okay, not funny. But to the two-year olds’ credit, he does look great in heels).

5. Can you play guitar hero?
I can play whatever kind of hero you want me to be if you give me an incentive and a few minutes to get into character.

6. Last time you walked further than a block?
Yesterday. The real question should be when was the last time I walked further than a block without tripping.

7. Name someone that made you laugh today?
My dentist. "Patches" came on while she was drilling me and we both reacted. She asked if she should stop so we could listen. Then we rehashed the entire plot of the song and got teary eyed.

8. How late did you stay up last night and why?
I am trying to create earlier sleep habits. I was asleep before 10 after a surprise phone call and great conversation.

9. If you could move somewhere else, would you?
I could. I can. I have free will. But...nope. Staying here. There are times I think changing an external situation can spur growth, but right now for me, the need is to keep external circumstances stable and work a little more internally. Ahem....Speaking of working internally….

10. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
With some kisses, there are always fireworks. Floods too, but that is another story entirely.

11. Do you believe exes can be friends?
I turn friends into lovers and back into friends again. My affections are few, far between, and deeply rooted. Those individuals I have had serious relationships with are still some of the most important people in my life.

12. Do you like calling or texting better?
It depends on the situation. Text sex is hard. I need both hands for that. Just kidding. Those who know me, know dirty talk and dirty chat make me giggle, not hot (and one hand is more than enough).

13. How do you feel about Diet Dr Pepper?
I don’t.

14. When was the last time you cried really hard?
If I’m hard, I usually have no reason to cry, but you might….like a baby for a bottle.

15. Where is your biological father right now?
Somewhere enabling my mother, no doubt.

16. Where are you right now?
There was a place, and the name of the place escapes me. When I can’t remember, it irritates me. Could be I can’t remember, could be I just deny. Subtitled: I’m on facebook singing the Bosstones.

17. What bed did you sleep in last night?
A soft queen, but ya’ll know I prefer a hard King.

18. What was the last thing someone bought for you?
Coffee. Hot and black like I like my…..coal. (What did you pervs think I was going to say?)

19. Who took your profile picture?
Some crazy queer (self portrait)

20. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
A bent over high school girl. Hey, she was petting an abandoned dog and really only her hand is in the picture, but that didn’t sound as interesting. (more legal though!)

21. Was yesterday better than today?
Yesterday was not great. Today I spent several hours on my back with someone in my mouth, dental dam against my tongue, and I left swollen, stretched, numb and almost $2,000 lighter….so it was pretty much like every Thursday.

22. Can you live a day without TV?
Transvestites? I can, but why would I wanna?

23. Are you a bad influence?
Words like “bad” and “good” are so subjective…why don’t we get together and you can judge my influence…

24. What items could you not go without during the day?
There are very few things I can't be without...I tend to not stray too far from lip balm and iPhone. Must keep moist and connected.

25. Would you share a drink with a stranger?
I will drink your drink. I will offer you mine. I'm always as willing to give as to receive.

26. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
I only enter hospitals as a resident, not a visitor- much like jail.

27. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
"book it, bitch"

28. What are you wearing?
A gas mask and a strap on. (okay...not really, but that is much more interesting than the truth.)


29. How many times have you been pulled over by the police?
Even once is too many, but ummm a few more than that. The best was when a cop found an open bottle of tequila in the car and I told the officer I was not drinking that, I had been drinking vodka all night. That was also the night my friend Squatch used all the milk for White Russians. I was hungry, and decided to pour a White Russian over Cinnamon Toast Crunch, which I can't stand to this day.

30. If we were to look in your inbox, what would we find?
At work - a very organized almost empty box, with many, many items in the "pending" folder. At home? not much....except about 100 pieces of spam telling me about lesbians that are perfect for me....in California.

31. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
exceptional, talented, fucked-up, clumsy, silly, squishy, amazing, clever, uncomfortable, fun, reactive, are some things I've been called that stick out for various reasons, but perfect - nope, and what does perfect tell you? I often find that the most charming things about a person are their imperfections.

32. What song is stuck in your head?
"Dominated Love Slave" by Greenday. It came into my head when I was putting together my Bingo outfit...because it's kind of southern and trashy, and well... I'm a dirty whore.

33. Someone knocks on your window at 2 am, who do you want it to be?
There's really no one I want to knock on my window at 2 am, but I would have to opt for someone with lots of money, or a who's a hell of a fuck (preferably both).

34. What gets in your way of your sleeping?
I'm hoping a hell of a fuck and figuring out what to do with the wad of cash from my 2 am visitor.

35. Who was your last missed call on your cell phone?
Your mom, but she's here now.

36. Can you handle the truth?
I'm faced with it daily. I am still here, so I handle it. I don't always like it, but I try to be courageous in accepting things as they are and taking the steps to create more of how I want things to be.

37. What was the last book you read?
"Silly Goose and Dizzy Duck Play Hide and Seek". It looked cute and Hey! I can use it for role playing later. I HAVE to be Dizzy Duck because of the alliterative quality. You can be silly goose. Shit, it always goes back to a story about a duck.

38. Is there something you always wear?
A cockring.

39. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Yeah, when your mom heard your dad pull up.

40. What's something that can always make you feel better?
The sound of a purring kitten, hot tea, the smell of rosemary, friends laughing...not all at once though. I may get over-stimulated, and we don't want that.

41. What do you want right now?
I know you want me. You know I want cha...

42. Look behind you, what do you see?
A past that I haven't quite escaped. I've got lots of baggage, but am lightening the load moving forward.

43. What's the nicest thing someone said to you today?
"You're such a good and tolerant patient, I could do dental work on you all day" Really, it doesn't take much to make me happy. I was ready to have 500 babies for my dentist right there. a little praise goes a long way with me.

44. At what age did you lose your virginity?
14, unless you count anal...but hey, who counts that?

In 10 minutes and without being dirty!

Yes.... it even amazes me.

RULES: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note completing the 27 "I’ve come to realize." At the end, choose the friends you want to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you or I knew you way back when and am interested in what life has taught you!!

1. I've come to realize that my chest...
is filled with more treasure than hope.

2. I've come to realize that my job...
is more like a family and my family is more like a job.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving......
there is most probably a terrified passenger with me, or fellow drivers keeping distance.

4. I've come to realize that I need....
to seek less and appreciate more.

5. I've come to realize that I have lost...
a lot of myself, but found a lot that was buried deep.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
I notice the chasm of where I want to be and where I am; how I see my self as intuitive and honest and supportive, but at times can’t believe, nurture or grow what lies within.

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...
It doesn’t change my decision making and behavior as much as I’d like to attribute to the alcohol.

8. I've come to realize that money...
and the lack of it or wanting of it can cause anxiety, but truly overall, it is just another trapping.

9. I've come to realize that certain people...
will always poison and victimize themselves by swimming in toxicity; believe because they learn to close their eyes and hold their nose underwater it’s “growth”. But truly, it’s a lack of courage to swim to the surface, face gravity, and hold the weight of it all on their own.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always ...be “not enough” for you, until I’m enough for me…but by the time I get there, I’ll know you aren’t worth it-- because you wouldn't take the leap, couldn’t trust that in my cocoon I would ever change enough to fly.

11. I've come to realize that my sibling(s)...
has used my parents as a model of “how not to raise a child” and me as “what can happen if you do”...which really hurt to hear.

12. I've come to realize that my mom...
has a very different value system than I do.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...
is both a tool and a distraction, like most things.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...
I should have gone to the gym because exercise would have created more late-day energy than the couple of hours of extra sleep.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...
I made a superb decision to go to bed early and start positive bedtime behaviors.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking...
of the first day of autumn tomorrow- crisp air, warm soup, pumpkin beer, leaves dropping from trees, tears chapping my cheeks, bare branches, heartache that settles thick in the belly, and a passion that runs deep through me like in no other time.

17. I've come to realize that my dad...
was a successful businessman due in part to a high EQ with which he has little comfort.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...
I have an audience, and the performer in me has a tendency to show up.

19. I've come to realize that today…
was gorgeous outside and a sweet light kiss goodbye to summer.

20. I've come to realize that tonight…
is another opportunity.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow...
is the uncertain future, so I need to create a present of which I am proud

22. I've come to realize that I really want to...
fixate less, and fix more.

23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is.....
someone I will get the chance to learn a little more about.

24. I've come to realize that life...
is either 100% what I create, or absolutely out of my control…but in either scenario, right action makes the most sense.

25. I've come to realize that this weekend...
reminded me that I am not quite as socially inept as I sometimes think.

26. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset...
is dependent on what I'm upset over and how I'm planning to deal.

27. I've come to realize that my friends...
are very talented, supportive and I am lucky to have such a diverse group of wonderful peeps in my life.

Poetry, Really?

Okay, so I'm pretty confident the style of writing I work best in is the personal narrative - but since I'm trying to add writing as a routine habit in my life, I'll take it as it comes. So just drafting here!!

I'm planning to make a pit stop in Florence, SC over the weekend; been there just a couple of times in the last decade...prompted me to work on this a little bit...

Don't worry... I'm sure some smartass facebook fodder will soon follow...

************************************************************

I place the blame on you
that Autumn smells
like heartbreak.

How the stench of swamp I loathed for years
became sweet like puppy breath,
your musty taste.

I remember cradling the phone,
you said “it’s not about love,
it's just he’s here, and you’re not.”

A three hour drive later I was there,
bawling in your apartment- the bed stained,
still warm with the tang of him.

I’d never seen his face,
but could sniff him out like a hunter.
I think you must drink sperm to live.

You drag men to bed cock first,
in hopes they'll never leave,
as if retelling the plot creates meaning.

Carolina fog takes me back
to that morning I walked away,
the sun not risen, unable to imagine myself whole.

Supersized on the inside...

I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and do a double take, but the creature still seems foreign. This girl has collarbones that can be felt and seen. She is comfortable with unwashed hair and clothes not covering her sagging skin. She is tan. She is smiling. To this I don't connect. Her arms move with mine. She sways with me. But it is just a mimicking game and I expect to turn away and somehow find myself. But she is the only one who is there. What I know of me is lost.

I am passing for thin. And by thin, I mean , not morbidly obese. I walk through stores and pass by children without stares or jokes. Men make eye contact. People do not understand that I'm supersized on the inside. My character is wrapped in fat. I am an imposter. I choose the handicapped bathroom stall because it is the only one in which I will fit. I move to the side to let people pass because I might be too slow or too large and blocking their path. I avoid chairs with arms because my fat will spill over, or it will break. My body has changed rapidly; but on the inside, I'm just not there. Insecurities that have sunk in over decades have rooted deeply. The difficulty for me lies in separating baggage from identity. My load is lighter. I feel empty. I scan the world for something to hold onto, for anything to fill me up, to give me weight.

I am uncomfortable with compliments; people tell me I look beautiful . The activist inside wants to assert that I have always been beautiful, but the child inside knows the real discomfort is the feeling that "beautiful" is a word that I have never been; could never be. People tell me that they hardly recognize me. This statement is uttered so lightly, but when I answer back, "I don't recognize myself either", an awkward silence follows.

What have I lost? Well, hundreds of pounds of squishy armor - a barrier to keep out the people who were not willing to delve deeper. I closed tight and made myself hard to love, because I was hard to find. I was submerged deep inside of me, but unearthing this self has been filled with surprises. So early on it is hard to judge good or bad. And besides, those would only be judgments. What it feels like is change, is chaos; a scam. I feel like a joey outside a pouch; a turtle without its shell. I am vulnerable and prey to growth or death and how do I protect myself now?

But the real question lies not in procuring protection, but in finding out how I walk in this world without the necessity for such shielding. I want to live confidently in the strength of the woman I am. I want to love her, treasure her, believe in her gifts. This I can fathom from afar, but I fear her body has no room for me; I will never find my niche; that she is better off alone, but will never have the chance to live without me on her back.

New research proves exercise can damage your health!

So usually, people try to get you TO exercise, citing the various mood enhancing and cardiovascular health benefits, among other so called positive impacts. I personally find exercise overrated, unhealthy, and destructive. I have done some intensive personal research and must pass the findings along to my dearest hundreds of friends via an intimate facebook note.

It breaks my heart to see people ignorantly jogging with smiles upon their faces, billboards for new fitness clubs popping up like mushrooms after summer rain, and yoga studios with parking lots filled beyond capacity. It's truly no better than being surrounded by gambling parlors, brothels, and McDonalds. My heart weeps for these uninformed fitness seeking beings. Much like the innocent ignorance of children in third world countries who are not aware of the love and teachings of Jesus Christ; these souls need education and salvation. I feel it would be of disservice to not share my truth; to let people continue their obliteration of self and the paving of a surefire path to hell each day as they simply try to create their lives the best way they know how. It is my duty, my calling, my challenge; I must spread the message, my experience, my personal story...

EXERCISE IS FUCKING EVIL!!!

For one thing, exercise increases the libido an average of 15-45 percent. While this may have some of you already planning to purchase a gift certificate for a gym membership for your significant other for the next major holiday (or not wanting to wait, just to celebrate the advent of Wednesday. You picture yourself saying "Happy Humpday, Honey" and hoping the best "hump days" are yet to come.) This promise of a libido increase is not so much a draw for me. In fact, I am sure my exes who are reading this (and believe me, there are more than a few who are...THANKS FACEBOOK) are kissing the ground they walk on that I was far more lazy and unmotivated and did not exercise while in a relationship with them. My libido needs no help. It needs many things: therapy, discussion of limits, self control, and perhaps a complete and total intervention (which may be true for the rest of me as well). The increase of my libido, would no doubt send me into TLA (toxic lesbian antics). And by toxic lesbian antics, I do not mean fostering litters of kittens or going in debt to buy an SUV. Despite popular belief, some of us dykes do actually fuck (which may be another lesson my exes could stand to learn). So, clearly exercise would no doubt plague me with multiple UTIs, Chlamydia, unwanted pregnancy, or even worse, a goddamn girlfriend.

The dangers do not stop there and are not limited to the cardio heavy routines. Even engaging in yoga, I discovered (while meant to unite and balance the mind, body, and spirit) can have its negative impact. I enrolled in a beginner's yoga class, with the assumption it would be a slow, open and welcoming atmosphere. What I discovered was that the majority of the class were not beginners, but have been in the beginner's class before and stuck with it "because they liked it." BULLSHIT. My perception is that these individuals could not handle a level two class, or are still fostering childhood wounds of inadequacy and thrive on being the star performer or teacher's pet. While I do have some jealousy regarding the quickness with which my classmates can wrap their legs behind their heads...all I'm saying is that it isn't fucking impressive if you win the 5th grade spelling bee when you're 16. Stop breathing through your butthole, pick up your mat, and move on to the next level.

In addition to being drowned in a sea of experienced yogis in what was portrayed as a beginner's course, I found a certain vulnerability in moaning and spreading my legs in public (well, at least while sober). And much like my libido, my negative self image does not need to be fostered. It nourishes itself like a fat puppy sucking on its mama's swollen teat. Seriously, do I need twelve foot high mirrors and special lighting when I'm donning lycra?? Hell to the NO (again, at least not while I'm sober)!!

And while all of the above is difficult, probably the greatest danger of yoga to those of us who may be less than graceful, is the potential for injury. And, let the record show, "less than graceful" probably grossly understates my ineptitude and lack of dexterity. As a child, my mother used to say that the only way to keep me from hurting myself would be to put me in a cage (no worries...she never did. She stuck with the emotional battery that parents tend to prefer).

And in adulthood, I am no better. Upon asking a friend to describe me in five words, one of the words chosen was clumsy. Out of all the possible personality traits and behaviors...out of all of my potential gifts to this big wide world...one of the first things that comes to mind for someone to choose to share about me is that I'm clumsy. (Damn...is it a wonder my self -image is warped?)

But alas, embracing my current reality of clutziness and understanding that I continue to manifest and give off an aura of awkward, I must accept the danger yoga brings. Any practice that asks you to spread your legs four feet and chant (at least while vertical) is not my cup of tea and most surely will eventually result in injury. Besides, I prefer to injure myself in more organic ways, like tripping over a tree root on an evening hike, doing a full split in a slippery bathroom, falling face first in the street on a jaunt to the store at midnight to pick up cigarettes for a friend in need; you know, the natural stuff. I don't need poses to challenge my abilities. I have those opportunities for challenge in my daily life. The best analogy may be: Yoga is to Alice as an electrical socket is to a two year old holding a fork.

But perhaps I'm giving exercise a bad deal. There surely must be a sunshiny yin to my whiny yang. For as much hell as alcohol and candy get, people have discovered and routinely cite the health benefits of wine and chocolate. And if the cancer fighting benefits of red wine ring true, bring on the carcinogens, I am safe as a basket full of kittens!!! And as far as the claims of heart health, my ticker is going to be quite the valuable organ at my demise (my liver, however, may be another story). Additionally, red wine has been a powerful positive sleep aid in my life. So what if it was on a patio....in public....while a musician was playing...and I had to be carried out... one needs to look at the positive.

And it has been shown that a good night's sleep is a greater contributor to a long term healthy weight, than diet or exercise alone. Clearly, inhaling wine and getting rest trumps oxygen and the dangers of an elevated heart rate. And this kiddies, may just be the moral of the story...lay back, drink up, grab your chocolate bars and a pint of Ben and Jerry's (for calcium of course- to help foster strong bones). Stay calm, don't exert yourself or stretch too much while reaching for the remote control. Breathe, relax....and find peace, love and happiness, just as you are: sedentary.  

I must also mention that realize I also believe exercise fuels compulsion...and I need to fuel my compulsive behavior as much as designer dogs need a rescue group (and don't even try to convince me the poor homeless labradoodles and Shih-p...oos need my help... pah-leeze). Despite my conviction and preaching, today, I was back at the gym like an ex-gay at a rest area.

And I realized another negative aspect of gym-going: I'm getting TMI. I was taken on the too much info expressway and I did not buy a ticket, nor even slow down at the damn station. Some things, such as my podiatrist's overage of back hair and excessive ass-sweat, I just don't need to know about.

Another 50 Questions....

1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
That while I think I have had some wild nights in my life, there must have been heavy doses of both Tequila and GHB to make this even possible (or at least $5 and a couple of beers.)

2. Do you trust all of your friends? If I call you my friend, the trust in intention is always there. We all act with the interest of self-preservation. Sometimes that can come out a little funny in conversation or actions and can feel awkward. Though, I have a handful of people who I trust completely and would stand by for anything….and armloads of people I would like to create more space to get to know.

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
Nothing is out of the question for the future…. but I’m not the type of girl to follow someone anywhere…except to a bar….and I would not ask someone to stay somewhere for me…not even the bar!! And I have much self work to do right where I am, before I’m really open to the possibility. So…until then…… see your ass at the bar!

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Yes. Or at least that there is reason in everything that happens. Find the lesson, find the growth.

5. Can you make a dollar in change right now?
Yes!!! All I have to do is 100 lap dances and I’m there.

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
Hard to say… I’ve been told I’m an unwilling patient.

7. Are you afraid of falling in love?
I am a little concerned that I will try to stuff what I think is “falling in love” in the space that I need to create right now for “self love” and not get to where I need to be before involving someone else. As Sarah Silverman puts it, “all the penises in the galaxy won’t fill your heart hole up.” She also says “you can't put your arms around a dirty gang-bang cum shot, but that's all you get.” That may not be as relevant to this question, but still prolific.

9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
If you’ve spent more than 10 minutes with me, you know my tendency for randomness is both a blessing and a curse that could either amuse you or drive you nuts…so yes, of course. And please flatter yourself, at one time or another, it was surely you.

10. What’s your most favorite scar?
But I have so many! And seem to create more on a daily basis. Probably my favorite is the scar on my lip where I fell in the airport in Hawaii when I was 2. Just the mental image of toddler me running away from my parents in an airport and slamming into the ground so hard I had to be taken to the emergency room on vacation is ABSOLUTELY still the hyper clutz I am today…

11. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
As opposed to flying in a saucer? So glad for the clarification. Hmmm, I guess Vegas…Jenny’s wedding, 2006. Wow. Time for a trip.

12. What did the last text message you sent say? Some whiny stuff about how I am sick (not mentally, but stuffed up…though I’m sure there are texts somewhere about the first as well!)

13. What features do you find most attractive in the preferred sex?
I like my women like I like my beer…frigid on initial contact, but that go down easy.
But Seriously - What do I like in a girl? Me!
No, really….Presence, humor, intelligence, silliness… I am attracted to people who are comfortable with themselves and have their own life which I can be a part of, yet not become. Physical Features? Not really drawn to one thing….but a sucker for a warm smile.

14. Fill in the blank. I love:
I love the nightlife. I got to boogie. (And, really, this is more of a finish the sentence than fill in the blank.)

15. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
a successful bowel movement. (Hey…gotta love smart goals! Poop is specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and HOPEFULLY, timely.)

16. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call?
I have faith anyone I might want to call would already be by my side or on the way.

17. How many kids do you want to have?
I really want to be clever here, but everything I am thinking of typing borders on child abuse and/or pedophilia, and damn if some people just don’t find those things funny.

18. Would you make a good parent?
If I chose to take on that amazing responsibility, I would do everything in my power to do my best. Presently, I look at my self, plants, and pets and think I have some work to do before taking on anything else. Translation: NOT NO, BUT HELL TO THA NO.

19. Where was your profile picture taken?
In my backyard as a child. Not only am I not putting all my eggs in one basket, I am not putting them down at all—just holding as much as I can of them ‘til they are gone…which is also my strategy with beer and women.

20. What’s your middle name?
You don’t need to know. Just call me SIR.

21. Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?
That I have highly underestimated the joy in breathing through both nostrils and swallowing comfortably. (And no…don’t even go there on the swallowing).

22. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
Either the fact that my mom cut my bangs at home before my 2nd grade school picture, or maybe the holocaust. It’s really a toss up.
But seriously, I can’t change the past. All I can do is create my best self in the present, so why bother fixating.

23. Who would be the maid of honor in your wedding?
I may as well just say Hello Kitty, because it isn’t happening...ever.

24. What are you wearing right now?
You’re going to have to pay me something to get that description. I assure you that, as usual, it is hotness beyond your wildest imagination. (Maybe if you pay for chat, I will only have to do 99 lap dances to get to that dollar.)

25. Righty or Lefty?
As far as politics? Way left.
As far as handedness? Righty….though I have a decent level of ambidexterity. Wanna see? ;-)

26. Best place to eat?
Home……
Hmmm…..I’ve always heard that “it doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home.” I don’t really agree, though. I’m not saying your appetite won’t be aroused elsewhere every so often, but you’ve got to have the tasty goodness at home if you’re going to plan long term menus there. It may take some creativity and refining, but it is about respecting your palate.

27. Favorite jeans?
Show me what ya got, girl… may just be yours.

28. Favorite animal?
Got to channel Neko Case on this one…. It’s my favorite song off the new album:

“you could say it’s my instinct/yes, I still have one/there’s no time to second guess it
yes there are things that I’m still so afraid of /but my courage is roaring like the sound of the sun
cause it’s vain about its mane and will reveal them to no one /and I’m an animal, you’re an animal too
pick up that rock, drink from that lake /I do my best but I’m made of mistakes
yes, there are still things I’m still quite sure of /I love you this hour, this hour today
and heaven will smell like the airport/but I may never get there to prove it/so let’s not waste our time thinking how that ain’t fair
I’m an animal, you’re an animal too”

29. Favorite juice?
See answer to #27 above.

30. Have you had the chicken pox?
Yes, as a child, but just a light case. But, otherwise chicken related… I have never done the chicken dance. Not even once.

31. Have you had a sore throat?
Yay….another opportunity to whine to the world about how right now at this very minute, I am SICK with a clogged nose and very sore throat. I need much spicy Thai soup and ginger tea with honey…or maybe just lots of Whiskey and Xanax and bed.


32. Ever had a bar fight?
No, I am a lover, not a fighter….though I did have an interesting encounter with a bar stool once. It threw me right off and on to the floor of the Palms. Wow. Hello, 1990s, I remember you, sort of.

33. Who knows you the best?
Different people know different parts of me best. That’s the draw of having a varied group of people in my life. What parts can I show you?

34. Shoe size?
8 ½ Wide. Got to be wide. Against my better judgment I will confess it probably needs to be at least 8 ½ as well….. (Hmm…why I bring judgment in at this point of the survey, who knows?)

35. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
Glasses. I have to wear them to see even short distances, but I’m quick to throw them off as soon as I am in a place where I don’t have to focus- much like my pants.

36. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
Fight, no.
Power struggles, yes.
Pet wins…of course.

37. Been to Mexico?
“Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run…I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun” Okay, maybe only some of that is true…but yes, I have been to Mexico.

38. Did you buy something today?
Just a hooker and some Sudafed…and I am not proud of succumbing to either.

39. Did you get sick today?
Just a little speedy with the hooker while my Sudafed was kicking in.

40. Do you miss someone today?
Yes. There are times that missing someone is the background to everything I do…

41. Did you get in a fight with someone today?
Just a pimp, but come on… it was a Tuesday morning. Full price, really? It just ain’t right....I was a little aggressive, but that may have just been the Sudafed talking.

42. When is the last time you had a massage?
A couple of months ago. It was like tiny little kittens kneading on my back, without the cute purrs. I now preface encounters with , “I won’t say it’s too hard.” and I say that with massages too.

43. Last person to lie in your bed?
Usuallly I am the person that lies to get people into bed with me.

44. Last person to see you cry?
Probably my friend Brad. He walked in my cubicle the other day and I looked like a sad little thing. He looked shocked. For some reason I don’t think he thought I would be at my desk crying when he stopped by. What’s up with all that? People don’t just sit at their desk and cry?

45. Who made you cry?
No one made me cry. I am 100% responsible for my own reactions……Well, at least when they are shitty. Don’t worry, if I laugh or come, I’ll give you that.

46. What was the last TV show you watched?
The season premiere of Greek. Don’t judge. DVRed….at Midnight…..Okay, judge. I don’t really give a fuck.

47. What are your plans for the weekend?
Hopefully a sunshine laden walk followed by a sunny patio. Oh, shit…wait. This is the weekend I’m supposed to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus and stuff myself with Marshmallow Peeps…so add that too.

48. Who do you think will repost this?
Maybe Jesus. if the resurrection timing is right. Facebook would be a good platform for a second coming. Tag me, Jesus, Tag me.

49. Who was the last person you hung out with?
A small wave of tarheel fans that included some fun girls who helped me know when to clap, a couple of my best buddies…and beer. Did I mention that beer showed up too?

50. If your significant other asked you to marry them TODAY what would you say? That it is pretty forward of them to consider themselves my significant other without me knowing….and oh, ummm….no wedding. Have we not covered that?

Album Thingy

I’ve been tagged bunches on this, probably because either growing up I ate music, or because I’m a resident facebook note-poster. So…I thought about responding, but I couldn’t compartmentalize or narrow down. I’m a girl who needs a little structure. But alas…

Here are the rules as given:
Think of 15 albums that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life or the way you looked at it. They sucked you in and took you over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the albums that you can use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the albums that no matter what they were thought of musically shaped your world. Go to the tab marked Notes at your Profile, and when you finish, tag 15 others (or more), including me. Make sure you copy and paste this part so they know the drill. Get the idea now? Good. Tag, you're it!" (added rule: one-album-per-band limit).

And here’s how I changed them for structure…
I decided to take 13 years of my life beginning from when I first purchased my own music and think of the first album that comes to mind for that year. This may not necessarily get to the most significant of all time, but hell, it’s a just facebook fodder. And don’t mess with me if my years aren’t exact. Memory is subjective. Why 13, not 15? After 1998, I was no longer in school and it’s easier to for me to think in terms of “school years”.

AND... I wasn't going to tag anyone (cuz' I don't tag)....but I think, just for friday fun ,I will tag some of you I know have been to a show with me...even way back when..........at the bar back in the day with me... tagged me...I've mentioned specifically....or have discussed similar musical tastes....or just who I damn well please....and YES, I am sure I forgot to tag some of you...so just leave a comment if you wish. :-)

Since we’re not going to start as early as me begging my Dad for Urban Chipmunk in 1981…..(though Alvin singing “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” is great…) we’ll start from when I went to “Record Bar” in ’86 and bought my own tunes…

**************************************************************************

1986 –Dead Milkmen “Big Lizard in My Backyard”: Introduced to this by neighbor; babysitter; surrogate brother that lived with my family for a year. That summer my parents made me go to the beach and leave the neighbor kids and I remember my little angsty self blasting “Beach Song” over the boom box on the beach: Lyrics: “Sand is hurting my tender feet/The air smells like rotting fish and solarcaine/I hate the people on the beach/With their towels and umbrellas, they're so insane/I don't wanna be on the beach! No”

1987 –Angry Samoans “ Back From Samoa” : I can remember turning off all the lights in my room and slamming around to “lights out.” And this guy in my homeroom class, Eric (Delong, for those of you from those days…) and I would sing, “They saved Hitler’s Cock.” And I thought it was amazing that anyone else in 6th grade knew about the Angry Samoans.

1988 –Ramones “Ramones” : The Ramones started an obsession. I think I know more about them than I know about most of my friends, family, and self. There was a time I had every album on record, tape, cd…and three on 8 track. I’ve seen Rock N’ Roll High School more times than is appropriate. “I'm FIRST in line! and if you don't like it, you can put it where the monkey puts the nuts!”

1989 –Smiths “Louder Than Bombs” – I think Morrissey was simultaneously responsible for helping develop my sense of irony and a deep depression. The Smiths will always be a lifetime favorite and fueled my passion for Shelagh Delaney, Gladiolas, James Dean, and Oscar Wilde. Saw Moz last summer in Myrtle Beach and there was a look alike there (though he was smoking and with a girl, both things which Moz would never do) but even seeing the look alike up close turned me into a giggling schoolgirl.

1990 –Replacements “All Shook Down” tied with The Cure “Staring at the Sea” This is the year I drove illegally to Charlotte to see the Cure, and my parents car would not start and I had to call them to come pick me up, two hours away. Damn. And with “All Shook Down”- every song on this album is brilliant. “When it Began” is the stand out favorite, but “Nobody” and “Sadly Beautiful” come close too.

1991 –Too Much Joy “Cereal Killers” Thanks 100% to Paul for introducing me to Too Much Joy. The album opens with the lines: “So she said fuck this town/ nothing's ever going down/ spun herself round and round/drilled herself into the ground. They had me at “fuck”. And I remember Paul and me driving around on Thanksgiving listening to “Thanksgiving in Reno” and it seeming like the best time. HA! Good Times, Good Times.

1992 – Agent Orange “Living In Darkness” tied with Lemonheads “It’s a Shame About Ray” Love Evan Dando. I used to listen to “Alison’s Starting to Happen” and think it sounded like “Alice is starting to Happen” and the lyrics, “I never looked at her this way before, but now she's all I see” ...and obsess over how I would one day start to happen to somebody and this would be true. Ha. Some juvenile feelings are cyclical.

1993 – Mighty Mighty Bosstones “Don’t Know How to Party” This may not be my favorite Bosstones Album, but was the gateway drug into Ska—Pietasters, Toasters, Skankin’ Pickle, Mustard Plug, MU330 and so many more ska bands and ska shows over the next few years. Pietasters are my absolute favorite ska but it’s more about the shows than any one prolific album.

1994 – “Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert” Soundtrack; tied with Aimee Mann “Whatever” “Priscilla” stands out because I saw the movie opening weekend and it was the first time I really felt a sense of gay community. I was out, but most of my friends were straight. But the theatre was packed and everyone laughed and it felt like community and I felt like there was a home for me aside from being a big ol’ punk dyke obsessing over my straight friends. And it got me into Abba and Gloria Gaynor, which was a mind fuck to my musical collection. Aimee Mann became very significant later in my life, (and still I think my favorite concert ever was Aimee Mann and Ben Lee a few years ago. Amazing). I remember getting and loving “Whatever” listening to it for hours and I still listen to “4th of July” on every 4th of July; I’m silly.

1995 – Matthew Sweet “100% Fun” I think “I almost Forgot” is the most underrated song on here. “Superbaby” is the most unnecessary- though the single, “Sick of Myself” was the hook for me.

1996- Dance Mix USA Vol. 4 tied with Melanie McMillan “Here Tomorrow, Gone Today” “Dance Mix USA” was on heavy rotation at our little local gay bar (because they had what, like 5 CDs?) But what strikes me most about this is ’96 was the year I got my Isuzu Trooper and there were many-a-night of people standing in the back with their heads out the sunroof dancing to “Dreamer” or Ruby’s favorite… “Cotton Eye Joe.” Wow. So Gay. And Melanie McMillan: local to Florence, SC also a language instructor at college. Beautiful Voice. Loved her. She was the reason I took French. I actually stepped on my cd a few years ago and can’t find anyone else who still has a copy. I’ve asked around…but if any of my SC buds can find one, help a sista out. Favorite Track: Be Beside You--- though my friend Martin and I had a special and unique idea of the symbolism in “Secret Weapon.”

1997 – Murmurs “Pristine Smut” The first Murmurs was my favorite, But this CD had great timing. Sucker Upper is the stand out song, mostly due to my angry feeling about my relationship issues at the time: “Asexual, far from intellectual/Fashion stealer, free-wheeler/Bats her eyes to cover up her lies/She's a sucker upper, starfucker/And I'm gonna blow her cover”. And…Murmurs side note: it Still wigs me out a little that Leisha Hailey is known first as an actress by most of my friends due to L Word. She’ll always be a Murmur first to me!

1998 – Cry Cry Cry “Cry Cry Cry”: Wow, just Wow. Cry, Cry, Cry is a supergroup of Dar, Richard Shindell and Lucy Kaplansky doing great covers. Thanks to Keith, saw them alone and together at the Newport Folk Festival. Abso-fucking-loutely amazing. Stand out songs for me are, “I know What Kind of Love this Is”, and “Lord, I Have Made You a Place In My Heart.”

WHEW… that’s it. Still, so much feels like it is missing….but I’m sure there will be a note for that later.

Just Because...

Okay, the creative juices aren't really flowing-- but here goes it...

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Dennis the Menace's mother, by my sister. My standard answer is that this was her favorite cartoon character. Her second favorite was Garfield, so at least I am not Odie Mitchell.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
When I ran out of dollars for the claw machine at Chuck E.Cheese. It was really sad. Actually, I can say it was much too recently (Crying, that is, not the Chuck E. Cheese thing...while that was also a real incident, it was in 1985, I'm over it...sort of...DAMN THE E.T. DOLL!!!)

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
No, I like my HANDTYPING and would prefer to become more proficient with my HANDTEXTING. Speed and accuracy need work. My handwriting starts off neat and straight, but gets sloppy and crazy as time goes by, similar to most of my exes.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
You.... :-).
No, really . . . something velvety and rare that melts in your mouth. . . still could be you!

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No, I had one but I forgot to water it so it died. Oh...wait, that was a bouquet of flowers, not a kid. But at least with the flowers I could dry them out for potpourri. Kids, not so much.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
No, I'd stalk me.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
I don't use sarcasm, and am shocked at the accusation. I cherish each and every moment with it. Do I look like a user?

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes, and yours too. Thanks for being a sound sleeper.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Sure, but who needs the damn cord! Live a little.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
I don't like cereal. In fact I hate it. I hate it so much I want to murder it.
....yep...you know why.... here comes the obvious...
'cause I'm a cereal killer.

Seriously, I enjoy fiber one, but it doesn't sound too sexy, so i didn't want to type it. What cereal does sound sexy though? What cereal sounds hot? Mmmmm...hot cereal... like oatmeal. Yeah, I like oatmeal, but better than that, I'll take porridge.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No, actually, your mom takes them off and unties them. She starts from the bottom and works her way up.

12. THERE IS NO QUESTION 12.
The absence of the question # 12 makes a statement about the order of things. I am struggling with the chaos of having no number 12 and clearly am overcompensating with panic.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Vanilla. I am a simple girl that way. Okay, maybe French Vanilla - see, I can be wild.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Hmmm, usually I don't notice people until they have given me attention. Then, much like a dog, I become an easily excitable and loyal.

15. RED OR PINK?
Red wine, Pink Ladies.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Oh wow, that's like asking a mother to pick just one of her children as her favorite.
No- I can pinpoint, right now the "least favorite" is how often I use humor as a deflector; like what I have to offer the world isn't enough unless I am entertaining. Not obsessing, but what I'm noticing right now.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Myself.
At times, I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I don't recognize the reflection...so I do a double take, and still don't. There are a lot of changes happening physically and emotionally and while I am getting a clearer picture of who I am daily, sometimes I wonder how I got so lost and want to get back to comfort. There is a struggle between comfort and growth.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
It is of no significance. I enjoy reading these lists, but if I'm meant to know the answers about you, I will.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
OMG, is this facebook survey coming onto me?

20. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Neko Case, several clocks ticking (why in the hell are there three clocks in this room) and they are loud ass clocks. And there's a cat mewing occasionally, and dog paws tip tapping too.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
So, I'm not exactly sure what color I would be. What I can say is I may not stand out at first, or be a vibrant color.... and I would need sharpening. Though, I would complement the color scheme of whatever you are working on, and I would not be purple.

23. FAVORITE SMELL?
I am very aroma orientied. I tend to like the slightly soured smell of a lover's scalp, Maple Syrup, Someone baking, Rosemary, Ginger, Curry........but not all together. And I usually don't take lovers while others are around baking. That's just rude.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Mom. She was trying to remember what she told me last night before she went to bed. She failed.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Yes. Absolutely. I'm lucky to have met these strong, vibrant and talented women. And both of them have very charismatic and special men in their lives that I am lucky to know as well.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
I don't watch sports....unless you count the Superbowl with interjections of Noggin. And that made it hard to keep up with things. I never did find out what happened with those damn Backyardigans.

27. EYE COLOR?
My license says blue but if you want to stare into them closely, you can make that decision...
(this is me flirting back with the survey).

28. HAIR COLOR?
Brown. Still has some highlights left from June (thanks Milanka!). My hair has been probably most every color you could imagine, but tamer as the years go by. I think moving forward the focus will be on natural and healthy; good advice for all aspects.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No. I would but I can't. The astigmatism in my left eye is too severe. I love love love girls with glasses though and it's easier just to take them off than go through the contact cleaning and ritual. I'm just clumsy and always knock mine around. Grass seems greener since I have no choice.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Probably either cheese or spinach, those always excite me in most any form, but I have a lot of favorites.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Life is scary enough and I prefer to say "with release" vs. "happy endings"

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Not really sure, though I caught pieces of some fabulous films on Lifetime over Valentine's Day weekend. I'll star in one someday: "Drama or Detox: The Alice Mitchell story"

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Wow...the fb survey is absolutely coming onto me. Think I've got a chance?

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Not Summer.
Maybe Autumn.
Winter has a silence I appreciate, but I love the way autumn bites back at summer. I had a particulary bad break up in Autumn, so I equivicate the smell of burning leaves with heartache and loneliness still. It is powerful, and a reminder of my strength and the ability to push through anything, no matter how much it hurts. Cliche, but also in Autumn,you see things dying only to dissapear and be reborn in Spring, it's lovely to think of regeneration and the uncluttering of trees is beautiful.

Why not summer? I like the sunshine, but I need more than hot to fuel my affections.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
I believe I am a better hugger and not the most accomplished kisser; but damn, sometimes the logistics of both are all too much.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
I'm a sucker for a good cheesecake. I'm also a sucker for $5 cash.
Okay, not really, but I felt the mood darkening a bit, so I fell back on REALLY bad humor.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Not tagging-- no responses requested.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
See above.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
"Walking in this World: The practical Art of Creativity", "Goodnight Moon", and some anthropomorphic porn. Just Kidding! Who the hell reads porn when there's the internet? Okay, I'm really just reading the first book, but not too far into it. I feel sure it would not condone the only expression of my writing as notes on FB.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
There is no mousepad here. At home, most likely a copious amount of cat hair.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Nothing. I've been starring in my own dark comedy.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S)?
Kittens purring, the voice of a dear friend, slot machines winning, a genuine laugh, uncorking of wine, music from my past (not all together, that's just weird and probably would be the moment before my death where all great moments are passing before my eyes...).

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
The Beatles have had more significance. If you happen to read my 25 things, there might be a clue why, and it has nothing to do with the Walrus being Paul.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Home is where the heart is. There have been many times I strayed far.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
One of my favorite quotes is...."Everyone has a talent, what is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads. " -Erica Jong

Though I can cite a few talents of mine that have been mentioned by others- I suspect they have more to do with what the person needs from me than what I really have to give. (notice me avoiding having to list a talent!)

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
Whoever chooses to send. I enjoy reading.

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER:
Well, legally I don't have a spouse and there are a lot of "significant others" in my life. I mean if you call your partner your "significant other", then what do you call those important friends you aren't sleeping with? "Insignificant Others?" And then what about the important friends you are sleeping with? "Slightly more significant others?" It just gets messy. Besides, I am of the belief that everyone is in my life for a reason and therefore significant. (Notice how I thwarted the question and didn't have to tell the story...It's really because I'm a polygamist and am afraid my wives will find out about one another.)

49. IS THE CUP HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY?
Half empty, but not because I'm a pessimist. I drink up and am looking for more, and hell, I'll drink from and fill up your cup too if I don't have my own. Empty only means time for a new drink. I guess that is more about alcoholism than optimism or pessimism, huh?

50. IF YOU COULD SIT DOWN TO DINNER WITH FIVE PEOPLE WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
I prefer dinners one on one. I like to reallly focus on the conversation. Now, drinks...that's another story. Bring them all on...and the people too. (Take notice how I answered but did not reveal or commit to guests)

Commuting and Groundhogs

So I was thinking about Groundhog Day on my way home from work. I typically enjoy this holiday more than most. While I’d like to say it is due to a more intellectual or spiritual premise, like fascination in hibernating creatures ability to predict the arrival of springtime with their emergence, or perhaps the connection with Candlemas; really, it’s just that the holiday feels silly and arbitrary--and that speaks to me. Besides, groundhogs are semi-cute, and I love cute.

And there’s not the air of general anxiety around Groundhog Day that surrounds many of the other holidays. While I am certain that somewhere it causes someone to need Xanax, there are no awkward family visits, no presents to buy, vegetables or meat to carve, and no one cares if they have someone to kiss on Groundhog Day Eve at midnight (but then again, it’s always nice).

Groundhog Day, is however, a fine enough excuse to drink coffee, eat donuts and engage in some light office chatter regarding the circumstances of the weather for the next six weeks. Though, honestly, I’ll deem anything a good reason to have coffee and donuts, “Hey, I found some lint in my pocket, let’s party.” So maybe using me as a barometer for celebration is inappropriate knowing my craving for caffeine and ability to be easily amused.

What is interesting to me is that the celebration of Groundhog Day in the Americas is attributed to German settlers in Pennsylvania (okay...that part bores me, BUT... ) in Germany, it was not a groundhog who was the original prognosticator; it was the hedgehog. Yet in America, the groundhog was more prevalent, so he became a replacement. It saddens me a bit that the hedgehog was so easily thwarted. Why just settle for the creature of convenience? There is something humbly adorable about the hedgehog; nocturnal and snuffling, rolling into a tight ball to protect itself…losing spines when under stress. A little prickly and neurotic, but not an oppressor.

Groundhogs, on the other hand, can be boastful. They are mostly solitary and whistle when alarmed or when choosing a mate. They are known for aggression and rapid reproduction. On most occasions, I identify more with the hedgehog. (The moments where I am groundhogesque are not appropriate for discussion.)

And to top it off, Pennsylvania, where the hoax all started, is one of five states where owning a hedgehog is still illegal. So not only has the hedgehog been snubbed; he’s been banned. Though I can’t totally feel pity for the Hedgehog as an icon, considering Sonic beat out an Armadillo and a rabbit to become the video game protagonist and over-franchised spokeshog. But still, I can’t help wondering if with just a small twist of history and a little more initiative to honor tradition, if we would be waiting with our zoom lens to witness a small spiny shadow to signify the future…or perhaps just a prickly ball, leaving us to wonder if Spring is on its way, or it's up to us to interpret the signs of what's to come.

25 Random Things About Me

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

to do this, go to “notes” under tabs (or the + sign) on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)
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1. I consider writing the most masturbatory and self indulgent thing I do, if you don’t count crack, and who really counts that? (Just kidding kids, its pugs not drugs).

2. I like my whiskey neat, and martinis dirty. In a significant other, I like a little of both at different times.

3. My eldest canine was named by a friend after Stevie Nicks, but she has been called a boy so many times she struggles with gender identity.

4. I wrote my first poem when I was 12. It was a tribute to my vegetarianism. The first line was: “The cheerful moo slowly dies out, transforming into a fearful yell”. My juvenile attempt at social consciousness as well as my extraneous use of adjectives amuses me.

5. Both my juvenile attempt at social consciousness, as well as my extraneous use of adjectives are (clearly) still active, but hopefully my poetry has made some progress.

6. I am no longer a vegetarian. I eat almost no chicken or pork, but love steak rare; steak tartare is better, though Maguro Sashimi may be my favorite protein source.

7. I will always equate “Ob-La-Di, Ob La Da” with either down syndrome or rape, but not simultaneously.

8. I really dislike the saying, "my bad".

9. I weighed almost 500 pounds 18 months ago. I've had weight loss surgery; reversed pre-diabetes; am off of six meds, and no longer sleep with a CPAP machine (though it was sexy).

10. I do not believe weight loss surgery is "the answer". I believe like most options for medical treatment it comes with over prescription and under-education. A major and invasive surgery that permanently alters your digestive system should be last resort.

11. I will always identify as fat. My goal is health and mobility; not to be thin. When people tell me, “Wow, you’re looking so skinny", I have to pause and consider the intention. I want to point out that, “No, I weigh over 200 pounds. I am absolutely not skinny, and why do you think that’s an appropriate comment? Would you ever go up to someone and say, “Wow, you’re looking so fat!” To apotheosize thin is to demonize fat. To demonize fat hits my core. It’s kind of like using “hate the sin, love the sinner” to justify prejudice… “Hate the fat, love the fatty”. No, It’s not okay. Love all of who I am, and why I am who I am. (No, I'm not going to break into "I am what I am.")

12. I’m both very compassionate and really sarcastic; this makes for an interesting thought cocktail and unpredictability in response. Both have gotten me into equal trouble.

13. I’ve always been a huge music fan. I can still recite the lyrics to songs of many punk albums, in order, by track verbatim. This is a skill I find useful nowhere.

14. The first two records I bought with my own money were in 5th grade and were the Sex Pistols, “Never Mind the Bollocks” and the Dead Milkmen, “Big Lizard in my Backyard.”

15. The first movie I remember seeing in a theater was “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas” when I was 5 or 6 and loved it. I thought it was so noble of those women to dance with and care for the lonely football players when they were away from their wives and I wished I would grow up pretty enough to have a job like that. Why would the police try to send them away? I immediately begged for the soundtrack, got it, and would dance around the house singing. “Texas has a Whorehouse in it, Lord have mercy on our souls”.

16. I still cry when I hear “Hard Candy Christmas”. Even the RuPaul version.

17. I kept journals from the time I was 13 through 25 with daily entries for at least 80% of that time period.

18. At age 13, I never thought I would live to be 18. When I was 18, I didn't expect to see 21. At 21, I never thought I'd have to worry about a "real" job, because I wouldn't make it to adulthood. Around the age of 25, I realized I was in this life for the long haul and need to take more responsibility in its evolution.

19. Until just now, I never equated the above realization with the end of the time period I journaled.

20. I have an arbitrarily dirty mouth. Sometimes I think I need to create a mantra of explicatives to try to cleanse myself before the day begins. I need a laxative for the F word. (F-Lax?)

21. You can win me over with cheese.

22. I’m really a cat person. If it were up to me, I would have several long-haired Siamese mixes and be canine free. I love dogs,like I love children. I like the magic, and interaction and brief responsibility of those that belong to others, but I want to give them back.

23. I'm amused when people justify facebook surveys/notes/lists like,"okay, I am FINALLY filling this out", or, "OMG another survey" or "I was tagged AGAIN" as if it is a chore like laundry, or you wouldn’t really do this, but you HAVE TO because you were tagged. Just admit it, there aren't many forums (outside of therapy) where you are openly invited to talk about yourself with no interruption, and you like it. A new song, perhaps? “I wrote a note, and I liked it.”

24. I'm not tagging anyone. I’d just overanalyze and worry about the fact that I’d leave someone out who would wonder why I didn’t want to hear about them, or I’d tag someone who has already listed 25 things and point out the fact that I didn’t pay attention. Or, I’d tag someone who would scoff at the fact that I would have the audacity to think they would actually complete this silly meme.

25. I have a touch of social anxiety (see above) and should probably research “anti-social networking” sites, or maybe just Zoloft.

Fuck Fireworks

At work Thursday, several co-workers asked me if I went “downtown for the fireworks.” After the first inquiry, I realized this was not a sexual reference, and replied “no”. And after each “no”, I was then asked. “why not?"

The “why nots” registered with me like I just said I enjoy rimming the anuses of long-haired felines in heat. I may as well have just admitted, “I’m a godless unpatriotic queer who would rather stare at the ceiling than watch fireworks” (which by the way, I am).

I am not impressed by paying money for something that you light up and use to create a loud explosion. If I’m going to spend money on something that appeals to those senses, I’m going to snort it.

The argument is, “but they are sooo pretty!!!” Well, so is my pug and he cuddles too.

And aren’t we just acting out some kind of grown up crib fantasy where the sound of shooting fireworks and light have replaced our Winnie the Pooh mobiles? (But then again, the same logic could say that rollercoasters are just a grown up version of knee bouncing horsey-rides from daddy.)

Okay, so maybe firework admiration isn’t one tier below paraphilic infantilism, but I find it about as exciting as the poop in an adult size diaper. And since I’m not into diaper fetishism, this means I think fireworks are overwhelming and shitty.

Also, aside from the actual fireworks themselves, 100,000 people were in attendance at the downtown celebration. I rarely like to be around more than one or two people—but 100,000. The population of Greensboro is just over 200,000. I find the thought of half the fucking city gathering and attempting to find parking absolutely insane, but I’m the schmucky nutcase who didn’t go downtown. And for the record, if 50% of the city was watching fireworks, it’s fair to say that another 25% were out of town and the remaining 25% were at Wal-Mart (most likely buying their own fireworks).

And I'll also note at large events that attract the family crowd—from my perspective, the only thing more terrifying/exciting/ or attention-grabbing for a child to watch than fireworks is a 450 pound person who he/or she can't really tell if is a girl or a boy.

With children, I typically feel like entertainment. My experience being fat (and I think this may be applied to other minority groups as well) is that in the eye of the general public, as a fat person I am, “Invalid, Invisible, or Entertainment.” It seems many times there is no place for me, I’m not actually seen as a real person, or I am viewed as a spectacle.

And maybe that’s one of the reasons I dislike fireworks. It’s spectacle for spectacle’s sake. With my size, most days in public I am a spectacle. I am the fireworks. When there’s a holiday, I prefer a bit of seclusion, celebration of presence and display of quiet simplicity.

Chinese New Year's, Mindfulness, and Babbling

Pig is favorable towards Dragon, so my hope is that 2007 proves positive. Dog year is over and Dragon is weary from playing puppy games and endless yapping. Rat and Dragon are best of friends and energy must be stored for 2008. Success comes slowly and focus on renewal is key. Fire Pig year will nourish Fire Dragon Alice—elements in sync and symbolic of regeneration.

I'm in the mindset for change this year. Not the drastic pendulum swing for which I'm better known, but a slow transformation day by day creating healthy patterns. 2007 has brought a revolution in my work life. I've been with the same company for 7 years but have recently changed departments. This is the first real alteration in career energy in about 5 years--a little vulnerable; very positive. Having at least 40 hours a week spent differently shifts perspective.


Charlottte Joko Beck describes anxiety as "a gap between the way things are and the way we think they ought to be." I get that… but really I see anxiety as more of a gap between the way we think things are and the way we think they ought to be. Perceptions are misguided. We often create reality that breeds fear or guilt, or excess pride and exaltation. We often create nothing but waste. I continue judgement based on what I think I should be creating. Where does the attachment end?


There is a tale of a Zen monk who upon walking home stepped on what he believed was an egg-bearing frog. Attempting to sleep, he tossed and turned feeling shame and sadness considering the Buddhist precept around taking life. When he finally did sleep, he dreamt of a thousand frogs demanding his life. The next morning, when he awoke spent and weary, upon journeying outside, he realized it was an overripe eggplant upon which he stepped—there was never a frog: a lesson in objectivity; a lesson in Zen.

I expend a lot of energy on attempting to dodge egg-bearing amphibians, as if they cover the surface of the world; my nemeses usually people or practices that tap-dance through humanity as if every squish were a squash. What if I could not obsess, just step, feel the mushy bump and keep walking; mindful of my path but without worry—no carefree thought that it was nothing, or shame in possibility—just the knowledge I followed my best thinking, my best path, and this was part of my journey.


What ifs…what ifs…
Leaving this open for now.
The road to Mindfulness, bitches.
That's how I roll.

Anxiety and Build-A-Bear

I did not enter the endeavor totally naïve to the Build-a-Bear workshop phenomenon. I have heard nieces, children of friends, and wailing mall kids discuss the furry creatures. I've listened to a story (told many times, many ways) from my parents about their victory in fighting a customer for the last white persian on the day of it's release in 2005, and I have (with the click of the mouse) purchased a Build-a-Boxer and pup online, complete with dog bed and puppy-sounds to be shipped to my niece for her birthday a few years ago. I have seen the carnival-like shop in the mall, and the lines forming outside during the holidays. So.... While I knew Build-a-Bear was a big deal, I really didn't KNOW Build-a-Bear was a big deal.

Until now. After hearing from my mother that my youngest niece was still counting how many Build-a-Bears she had vs. her older sister, (for whom stuffed animals are somewhere down the list behind Juicy Couture, Coach, and Lacoste, at this point), I decided a new furry addition would be the perfect Christmas gift. Since I had procrastinated, it was too late to go online and click together a special friend, so I planned my outing to the Build-a-Bear Workshop.

I went on a Wednesday at 10:30am when it would not be too crowded and the volume of children would be at a minimum. That was success #1. The store only had a few adult browsers. My first choice was what to get. The new Penguin? White Puppy? Pink Kitty? An actual Bear? Immediately, the solution presented itself. On the wall I saw a beautiful white Hello Kitty. Success #2. My niece and I share a love for the furry feline—this was a no-brainer.

So I walk over and reach up to retrieve the kitty, to discover it was only a display kitty. Looking down I noticed the barrel of naked Kitty Carcasses. I picked one up, and at that moment from behind me I heard, "Welcome to Build-A-Bear, Can I help you?" I held up my kitty skin and said, "I'd like to get one of these." At that point, my friendly salesman giggled with glee and said, "Super, would you like a sound for your Kitty?". Even though Hello Kitty has no mouth, I chose a simple meow. After choosing the meow, I had to decide whether to put it into the right or left paw; suffice it to say, I was not prepared for this decision—but justified the left paw, because my niece is left handed. My niece uses her left hand to eat, cut, etc, and her Hello-Kitty emits a muted mew when her left paw is squeezed. Makes perfect sense—right.

The salesman then escorted me over to the stuffing station and asked if I would like to "pump and do the honors". "No, Thank you", I replied. He then proceeded to plump up Hello Kitty with a nozzle of fluff activated by a foot pedal. He pulled her out and asked me, "How does she feel?" To which I truly was unsure how to reply...soft like a pug's ear? plump like plum? Bloated like a corpse? How the hell am I supposed to know? So I said, "Perfect, She feels perfect." And just when I think the hard part is over and kitty was ready to go, I was informed that it was now time for me to pick a heart—white, red or purple were my choices. AFTER choosing purple, I was informed that purple hearts are an extra dollar ands would go to support Build-a-Bear Charities.


And while usually I won't put a penny in a can of an organization that's social, political and religious views I have researched, at this point—the dollar could go to the National Coalition against Pugs for all I cared. I just wanted out. And what can you say at that point? "Oh, I'm sorry---a dollar is going to charity—never mind then. No heart for me!"

So the employee then asked me if this was a gift (Ummm...really?)
And who was the gift for? (My niece).

So he said that I needed to put the purple heart to my forehead close my eyes and make a special wish for my niece. I closed my eyes and thought, "I hope you have a special Christmas, enjoy your new school, and most of all that I don't have an anxiety attack and pass out in this pile of Build-a-Bears behind me before I get out of here with this fucking Hello Kitty."

When I opened my eyes the employee told me I needed to "twirl three times" and while I felt like a good sport so far....quickly I said, "That's okay." To which he replied, "Well you've AT LEAST got to kiss the heart." So be it. I kissed the heart because even if I didn't twirl three times, and I'm pretty much a non-eliever, just in case...I did not want my niece's Kitty to be devout of her magic, alchemy, and soul.

The salesman put the Find-a-Bear ID tag in, and asked me to insert the heart. He stitched Kitty up and asked me if we needed to go to the "Puffin' and Brushin' station" (there was a Tub with an air hose and some paw-shaped brushes.) I almost asked him if I was supposed to puff and brush? Would my niece know if I didn't? (I was still feeling guilty about not twirling 3 times).

Using my better judgment I skipped the "Puffin' and Brushin' station" and took my naked kitty to get clothes. This was madness. Hello Kitty had her own line, there were designer clothes and shoes, purses and cell phones, hats, sports gear—you name it, you could find it. After nearly 30 minutes of searching for the right outfit, I chose to stay with the Hello Kitty line of clothing. (The salesman also made me buy undies because "Kitty can't have an exposed bottom").

Another clerk came by and asked me if I needed help dressing Kitty at the changing table. "No, thank you, I'll dress her at home." She asked, "Are you sure?" as if I was either incompetent or a complete pervert. "Yes, I'm sure." "Great", she said, "let's get you to a computer for the naming process and birth certificate." "No, thank you", I said.

"Okay then…." She muttered as if I would regret my decision later. And would I? What if not registering your stuffed pet was a Build-a-Bear faux pas? The store clerk rung me up and said, "You make sure she gets a name and don't forget to dress her from the bottom up." And with that, Kitty was placed into her "Cub Condo" (box), and we went home.

So that night, I dressed Hello Kitty from the bottom up (I discovered this was because her head was too fat for the clothing). I did my own little Puffin' and Brushin', and sealed her up to travel from the Carolinas to Connecticut. It made me a little sad to part with her since we had been through so much. And while she may be just one of many presents under the tree, and another animal to add to the count. She was my one. A kissed purple heart and special wish to travel the distance of miles—to find connection, family, love.